Leading the Exceptional Women Alliance gives me a front-row seat to how accomplished women lift each other through mentorship and growth. Joanna Dodd Massey is a corporate board director and Fortune 500 executive with expertise in risk, governance, and crisis leadership. She has a PhD in psychology and advises boards and executives navigating high-stakes challenges and organizational change.
Q: Why do family conversations turn so tense during the holidays?
Massey: Alcohol and forced family fun play a role, but underneath it all is our biology. Human beings are one of those species that can’t survive alone—we’re hardwired for connection because our survival depends on belonging to a tribe.
When someone attacks our beliefs, the automatic part of our brain reacts as if we’re in danger. It doesn’t know the difference between a tiger in the wild and a relative on a rant.
That reaction—what we call the “fight, flight, or freeze” response—shuts down the rational part of the brain that handles logic and self-control. It’s why calm people suddenly get intensely defensive—or disappear into the kitchen.
Q: The minute someone mentions politics at dinner, most of us reach for the wine or change the subject. Is there a better way?
Massey: Yes—I teach an easy three-step process: (1) honor yourself, (2) honor your neighbor, (3) share your story.
Our country was founded on the idea that all people are created equal and endowed with unalienable rights, including freedom of thought and expression. When you stand in that liberty, you don’t need others to agree with you. If someone mocks or shames you, that’s just their opinion.
These three steps are an easy way to remember that disagreement doesn’t exile you from humanity. In fact, having disagreements amicably shows that Americans can respect differences and still break bread together—just like we did at the first Thanksgiving.
Q: Tell us about those three steps. How do they work?
Massey: Step 1: Honor yourself is about keeping yourself grounded and your rational brain in the driver’s seat.
First, notice what’s happening in your body before you open your mouth. If your heart rate spikes, your jaw tightens, or your shoulders creep toward your ears, that’s your survival system signaling that it’s about to take control—and once it does, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
When you notice those signs, take some deep breaths or use a breathing technique, like 4-square breathing. It distracts your mind and floods your cells with oxygen.
With your rational brain still online, remind yourself there’s nothing to win—you aren’t changing them, just like they aren’t changing you.
Step 2: Honor your neighbor is about helping the other person stay in their right mind.
When we feel attacked, defenses go up. The moment you shift the conversation from condemning to curiosity, everything changes.
We all have a story that has shaped us, so say to the other person: “That’s an interesting point that I hadn’t thought of. Can you tell me more about how you came to that understanding?”
When people feel heard, their survival system doesn’t worry about being kicked out of the tribe.
Step 3: Share your story is exactly what it says—you’re sharing your story, not your opinion.
The automatic brain doesn’t care about facts, data, or statistics, so using them won’t change anyone’s mind.
What can people here? Vulnerability. When you talk about your own experience, an argument turns into connection. Simply put, the answer to our differences is to humanize them, not politicize them.
Q: So, we should just nod and agree with everyone?
Massey: Not at all. These steps aren’t about agreeing—the goal is to have a conversation, not a confrontation. Think of it as dinner-table diplomacy.
Q: That sounds nice in theory, but does it really work in practice?
Massey: Yes—and there’s a great example from the pandemic. Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie, a respected conservative, joined a podcast where infectious disease experts debated anti-vaxxers, but no one was convinced. Then Christie told a personal story.
He said he got vaccinated because his aunt and uncle died of COVID, and he’d had a severe case himself. He said he got the vaccine because he didn’t want to die—but also told them they didn’t have to, because this is America and that’s their right.
What happened? He was calm and confident in his position (Step 1). He listened and respected their opinion (Step 2). He didn’t try to convince them; he shared a very personal story (Step 3).
Q: What’s the biggest takeaway for people heading into holiday dinners this year?
Massey: Remember that everyone at the table has an internal “Book of Life According to Me”—a lifetime of experiences that shaped their beliefs. You don’t have to agree, but you can honor the humanity behind those differences.
Larraine Segil is founder, chair and CEO of The Exceptional Women Alliance.
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