When building relationships, at work and beyond, most people search for deep commonalities. That may be wrong.
It is undeniably true that interpersonal chemistry exists between people who are similar in important ways, particularly in values, which represent our most treasured ideas about what is good in the world. But if we limit ourselves to relationships with others who share our core values, we cut ourselves off from most of humankind, the vast majority of whom are pursuing good values, even if those values do not match our own.
There are real benefits to connecting with others whose worldview differs from our own, particularly in professional life. When we rely on partners and teams, it is usually because we want capabilities and perspectives that complement our own, not to replicate ourselves.
Values Matter in Working Relationships
The good news is that it is possible to build lasting and rewarding relationships with people who don’t share our values. But before I offer concrete guidance, we need a reality check: values matter in relationships.
I’ve analyzed the professional networks—think “business friendships”—of more than one thousand mid-career professionals and found that value similarity is the second biggest predictor of who connects with whom, more important than race, gender, or industry. The only factor that mattered more than value similarity was opportunity: people whose workspaces were close or who were on the same teams were most likely to form connections.
Why do shared values create interpersonal gravity?
One of my MBA students told me she seeks out others who share her value of family as a source of affirmation and a way to understand herself better. Similar values also smooth communication and empathy, a truth I’m reminded of when I think of my easy conversations with my mentor, who shared my values of excellence, opportunity, and reliability.
The surprise is that while shared values are beneficial, differences in values need not be harmful. I found evidence of this in my analysis of professional networks: while value similarity made people more likely to connect in the first place, once the relationship formed, its longevity did not depend on value similarity. In other words, while we are drawn to others whose values are similar to our own, a relationship with someone whose values differ can still thrive if it forms for some other reason.
Understanding Matters More Than Similarity
How can it be that shared values are so important for predicting which relationships are created, but not at all important for predicting which ones last? I found the solution through an experiment showing that if individuals with different values spend ten minutes explaining them to each other, they want to connect just as much as if their values had been the same.
The key in relationships, it seems, is not value similarity per se, but understanding each other’s values. If someone’s values are like yours, you have this understanding naturally. If someone’s values are good but different from yours, you can create understanding by explaining your values and asking about theirs.
Ten minutes of discussion about values may be enough to build a bridge and facilitate a relationship. However, those conversations only work if you have first identified your own most important values. Developing that clarity takes effort, but it is well worth it.
How to Clarify Your Values in Two Easy Steps
To start, reflect on a question like this: What was your best day at work in the last year? Why was that day so great for you? Your “whys” will be values. Values are principles of evaluation; they determine what is good, bad, and important to us. So, if we reflect on good, bad, or important projects, experiences, ideas, or people, and ask ourselves why, we surface values.
Do a few reflections like this, analyzing good days, bad days, favorite leaders, and important projects. The “whys” that come up most often are promising leads to your top values. You can also compare the values that come out of your reflections to lists of common values, with the goal of identifying the labels that are most energizing to you.
Once you are clear about your own values, the next step is to engage others in values conversations. You might be anxious about this, as it is a new experience for many of us. But there is no need to worry. People like talking about their values, and if you engage someone honestly by expressing your values openly and showing an authentic interest in theirs, you are almost sure to have a rewarding conversation.
I hear often from people who engage in values conversations in job interviews. Sometimes they get the job; sometimes they don’t. But I’ve never heard that the conversation was awkward or unpleasant. Former students used values conversations to connect with strangers on airplanes, to strengthen relationships among the founders of their start-up, and even on first dates.
In workshops I’ve led with more than ten thousand professionals, a ten-minute values conversation produces a striking result: 98% say they feel closer to the other person afterward.
Do you want to build authentic and rewarding relationships, even with people whose values differ from yours? Clarify your values. Talk about them. Ask others about theirs.
